The Final Fantasy XIII TGS Trailer Spoof
by secretgal
Summary: A parody look at the newest Final Fantasy XIII trailer. I appologize here for any supidity or flat jokes.


The trailer opens to a glass dome over water, colored by the lights of fireworks, which I hope are fake because fire in an enclosed space can suck out all the air. But the scene, besides partially being a death-trap, is beautiful.

The disembodied voice of Oerba Dia Vanille is then heard, as is in accordance with all the other trailers: "When I think of the future…and how scary it is…I'd think of happy things…like unicorns…and Edward Cullen…well maybe not him…"

Her voice is then cut out by the annoyed voice director, because she has once again gotten lost.

The scene then switched to the first appearance of the long awaited Serah, who is sitting on a flying motorcycle thing with Snow Villers.

"I wonder how Lightning is going to take the news: about how I've ticked off everyone in the FFXIII fandom and screwed over the fan fiction writers."

Snow then interrupts her musings. "Hey baby, don't worry about it. I'm a main character. I'll protect you from ravaging fan writers."

Serah seems to take comfort in this and chuckles.

Snow then continues to talk as he steers the flying motor-cycle. "Yeah, I'm big and strong and blond and I'm tall. And the best part: I'm gonna be Lightning's sister."

"No Snow," Serah replies, "she'll kill you first."

Snow doesn't get the joke and laughs in his amusement. He then pilots the vehicle into the ball of fireworks. Once again, the scene is beautiful.

Serah looks out on the scene and comments, "So shiny."

"You and me," Snow says, "are so cute together." He must have missed the fact that his fiancée looks like a twelve year old and he looks like a thirty year old. But remember, it's what's on the inside that counts.

Serah turns around to face Snow and the two kiss. Lost among the choral music are the cries of hundreds of Snow/Lightning shipers who have realized that their ship is dead cannon-wise. Lightning's sister must have heard these cries and begins to cry. Snow takes this as a cue to leave and flies the vehicle into the sky. The Final Fantasy (trademark) XIII logo then flashes on the screen. Before fading away, Serah says, "Thanks a lot Snow."

The scene shifts to Lightning and Hope looking upward at some sort of trap. From out of nowhere, PSICOMs appear to capture the two.

"Okay men," yells Yaag, "first person to kill both the woman and the child gets to be a main character!"

One of the soldiers behind him yells, "Sir, you do realize what you're name spells out backwards?"

Yaag is about to reply when the scene changes to a scared looking Hope and a determined Lightning. "Get you're butt out of here," she tells Hope.

"Huh?"

"I can take care of these nameless losers."

"But..."

"It's Final Fantasy: at worst, I'll leave with a paper cut. Now go!"

We then get a montage of fighting, jumping, more fighting, running, item selecting, even more fighting, and you guessed it, more fighting. This is Square's attempt to make up for all the years of no game footage and for the lack of Versus information.

The remaining trailer is pretty epic, so little complaints on my part. Here are the highlights:

Serah is seen telling Vanille, "I'm an anime character, Vanille. The heart of the cards will save me. And if that doesn't work, I'll figure something out."

Vanille then falls to the ground, kneeling in a very awkward and compromising position. Perverted ff fans smile. Everyone else is grossed out.

After watching Snow kneeling before the plot device, Lightning does something to the object, which causes light to appear. The machine then opens, revealing the plot device of DOOM.

"Lightning you idiot!" screams Sazh.

Serah jumps out of the flying car driven by Snow onto another plot device. "Wait! Something shiny!" she screams. "Snow, save me! It's not shiny!" Serah is then consumed by evil water.

Snow walks out of a hiding spot, showing the world his abs. "Look at me! I'm shirtless! Surprised! Even Cloud hasn't been shirtless! Drool over me fans! Worship me! I am sexy!"

Yaag walks forward. "Please, for the love of Shiva, put a shirt on! The lives of millions of fan girls are at stake here!"

Vanille screams at Sazh, "Where is it?!"

"You wanna know where it is? Do you really wanna know? You think you deserve to know?"

"Where's the sugar and rainbows!"

"I'll never tell!"

Change to Hope and Snow.

Hope screams, "You killed my mom! Take this!"

Hope uses self-destruct.

Snow goes flying off the screen.

It's super effective.

At the bottom of the fall is a bunch of ice with two guards who carry a wounded Snow off screen. As he tries to comprehend what the heck happened, he catches sight of Fang.

"Wait, a girl? Nomura said there'd be another guy!"

She chuckles, "Welcome to the outback!"

The guards then through Snow into a kneeling Lightning who is holding Serah. "Serah," Snow says all protective like.

Lightning then takes a deep breath and begins: "Snow, you're a jerk and a sleaze bag and I hate you and I can't believe that I was ever shipped with you and-"

"The shiny," Serah whispers.

"Serah?"

"You can get it…it's so pretty…Save…the…shiny thing…and Cocoon too…Bleah."

End Trailer.


End file.
